It’s really true. I’m not sure that there are stronger beings than mothers. I obviously say this with some bias, being a mama to two – but I really believe it. I think we’re just cut differently, we see things differently and we can handle so much. This is never more true than it is at Christmas, and this Christmas in particular.
I’m sure you’ve seen the memes, ‘Mom on Christmas Eve’ frantic with wrapping paper all over, tape in her hair, tired eyes etc. ‘Dad on Christmas Eve’ usually involves a funny photo of Dad peacefully passed out with a beverage of choice in hand, cozy by the fire or snuggled up on the couch. The body language depicted often shows that he’s blissfully unaware of the frantic race to create Christmas magic that his partner is in. It’s like this in our house, creating the Christmas magic is really important to me. No matter what is going on in my life, I find comfort in the simple traditions of the season – even if it kills me and leaves me a crazy person trying to get it all done! But sometimes (especially this year) Moms are dealing with their own grief, anxieties or heaviness at Christmas and it can feel like it has no place. It can feel like no one is looking out for mothers even when they’re looking out for everyone.
I’ll take you back to Christmas 2018. In the photo above, I’m pretty sure you see a joyous family – we should be, we had some pretty big news to share! Our second baby was on the way! We spent a wonderful afternoon at The Distillery Christmas Market with our then 2 year old, and I remember being SO happy and imagining us as a family of 4 the following year partaking in all my favourite holiday traditions.
We’d been through a lot leading up to this photo. A whole year of fertility treatments when conceiving our second baby just wasn’t working for some reason. Job loss was also a pretty major setback. My husband was laid off from his job of 20+ years when the US media company he worked for merged with another company and closed their existing Canadian offices. Being pretty private people, we hadn’t told anyone about what we were going through. The fertility treatments just seemed too personal, and we were sure it wouldn’t take too long when we began. Same with the job loss, John is uber private and figured he’d take a little breather from the hectic pace of his position and enjoy some down time before sliding into a new role. And the baby was finally some positive news, we were hoping that would be our big reveal on Christmas Day so we hadn’t told anyone we were expecting.
Unfortunately we never got the chance. Just a short 6 days later, 2018 gave us another sucker punch just as it came to a close – on Christmas Eve 2018 we lost our sweet second baby. It actually happened while we were at the family Christmas Eve service at our church, in the midst of all that joy and merriment. I was in total shock. I was in such shock that I decided not to tell the family members we were hosting after church. We just kept on. Some might think that really odd of me, but shock and loss do strange things to you mentally. I also was adamant that we not ruin Lilah’s Christmas. She was almost 3 and it was the first time she’d really been excited for Santa and into everything. So I waited. I did the hosting, did the reading of ‘The Night Before Christmas’, put the cookies out for Santa, placed the presents under the tree, nibbled the carrots so it looked like the reindeers had – all of it. Only after it was done did I reach out to my Mom to take me to the ER around 9PM. We were there until about 4AM. I think I woke up for Christmas festivities at 6AM. We hosted family again on Christmas Day. The only person who knew what had happened was my Mom (I swore her to secrecy). Pushing on wasn’t the healthiest option (I was dealing with those feelings for LONG time after), but it’s what I did to get through. I felt like my grief and the heaviness that I felt didn’t have a place at Christmas. I was worried it would ruin everyone’s time if I let them in and let them know what I was dealing with.
This second picture is from Christmas Day from 2018. When I look at it I feel sad, not just for what I’d been through but for not letting anyone in, from thinking I had to go it alone and push through for everyone else’s sake.
I’ve learned a lot since then. I’m more open, I share more, I try to put myself first and consider my needs. And something I came to understand and hope to share with others is that I now understand that grief can have a place at Christmas. You don’t have to hide everything away at the risk of not ‘ruining someone’s Christmas’. Loved ones want to support you, they may surprise you if given the chance. The single best thing you can do for someone who is grieving any loss or trauma during the holiday season is to make space for them AND their grief. Rather than the mentality of inviting them over to cheer them up, let them know that you’re there for them to listen, to talk if they want and to support them – that their grief is welcome too.
These past 21 months have tried us, they have tested us – none perhaps more than the mamas. I guarantee I am not the only one who is up long hours worried about my children’s mental health, worried about their physical health and what should happen if Covid invades their little bodies. Worried about the long term ramifications of missing out on socializing, education, seeing family members etc. And that doesn’t even include worrying about my own mental health or needs. But I do feel better equipped now to cope. While I certainly still worry and stress about the current situation of things (will school resume in January? Will we face another lock down? How will this all impact my small business in 2022? etc) one thing I do know is that I’m part of such an amazing community of moms, we’re here for each other no matter if it’s joys we’re celebrating or big feelings of grief or anxiety that we’re processing. I don’t feel alone anymore, I don’t feel the need to keep everything in. I know that as a Mom, I can handle a lot – but I don’t have to do it on my own. I can reach out for support when needed.
Reach out to friends, family and your partner – share your feelings. It can often seem like a scary step, but I can’t say enough good things about supporting your own mental health through individual or group therapy. This past year when things just felt too much for me and my mind was racing all the time – I joined a group session (aptly called ‘Not for New Moms’) with Dr. Tanya Cotler, it was so wonderful!
Check out some of the resources below for support in our Midtown area:
Dr. Tanya Cotler, Clinical Pyschologist & Team
Laura Reisman, MSW at Flourish Health
“As a mama you may see me struggle but you will never see me quit” – Proud Happy Mama
Written by Gillian Kuriyan, Mommy Connections Midtown Toronto Director
Gillian lives in Toronto, Ontario with her family. She is the mom of two children, ages 2 and 5. While on maternity leave from her job as an elementary teacher, she took over the Mommy Connections Midtown Toronto chapter. Covid may have changed her own mat leave, but she’s determined to help moms in the community ‘find their mom squad’ despite the challenges all of us have faced recently! She has lived in Toronto for over 20 years and loves to share her experiences as a city mom and all the tips and tricks that she’s gathered along the way.
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