Building Our Community

09/06/2017

I was trying to think of all the moms I have met through my involvement in Mommy Connections. There have been so many. I have met moms who are all about fitness and moms who are into cloth diapering, moms who have an incredible knowledge of nutrition, or development, or ones that are teaching their kids letters in a way that looks like incredible play. All moms come with their own skills and knowledge. I have said it before, but it is so true that the moms who I have come to know have taught me so much. It makes me feel rich to see things from many perspectives. Which I believe makes me better at understanding, empathizing, and actually caring for the moms who sit in our program circle or walk by me in the mall.

Regardless of background, one aspect of working with so many wonderful new parents has always brought out one of my parenting insecurities. We all have one area, or many that we struggle with from time to time. Something that makes it hard to admire rather than compare. That makes us feel like everyone has it together, but us. For me, it is the way that all parents seem to be in touch or in tune. I hear my friends describe what is likely bothering their baby, or predict when they are going to have a hard day, and I am in awe. They are so in touch with feeding, mood, routines and napping, that I wonder why I am not. I wonder if amongst the busy days and long nights I may miss something. What if after all these years teaching families about attachment and responding versus reacting, I am missing some important signs of my own children?

I had a mom recently tell me kindly that she thinks I know my children so well. An amazing sense of relief came over me, which further reinforced this notion that perhaps I am not sure of myself in my ability to cue in to my child’s every needs. I think so much about it, but what if that thought doesn’t always translate into action? Research supports the fact that it is the pattern of response vs. individual response that will be most impactful. But when it comes to parenting; research, education, or work experience goes out the window. Sometimes it feels like nothing can ease our minds when we feel as though we are not offering our children all they deserve. We constantly talk about judgement, but it seems as though many of us are our own worst critics. Insecurities are different for everyone, but I do think we all have them.

We are so tough on ourselves to get it all right. We are expected to have every skill of each of those moms I described to have met. Pressure to be fit, considerate of nutritionl, have great sleep, well thought out behaviour responses, and have your child spotless, seem ever present. Then on top of it; our own experiences lead us to put extra focus in particular areas. Whatever area you feel the most pressure, there seems to also exist the most insecurity. But what if that also leads to judgement about others and perpetuates this high pressure culture? Maybe if we were more confident, we would fully support others’ decisions, and respect difference.

If we could forgive ourselves for not noticing a poop has been there for 20 minutes, or the McDonalds dinner, or the temporary “loss of cool”, maybe we would have more space and time to learn; rather than worry. If we can simply admire others parents rather than compare; we may all be better for it. We could learn something from each parent we meet and really pump each other up. Maybe  help them see their strength. I always notice at least one thing about each mom I meet that I admire. I think I am going to make a point of saying it a bit more often out loud, for the benefit of both of us. I challenge you to do the same!