Losing My Identity As a Mom – Mommy Blogger

04/24/2019

Hi, My name is Brittany and I’m a first time mom to a beautiful baby girl! I live with my (common law) husband of 5 years, our 4 year old rescue dog, Luna, and of course our daughter, Claire. I have a full time job with the City of Saskatoon that I will be returning to in September. In my (very little) free time I enjoy video games, board games, and Netflix. I live for coffee and craft beer. I enjoy cooking and baking but don’t have nearly as much time for meal prep as I’d like. Being a parent is both the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done in my entire life and also the most fulfilling. I can’t wait to share my experiences – good or bad.

Of all the many things I was warned about in regards to parenting, losing my identity was not one of them. From what I can tell not every mom feels like this but I’ve also talked to many women who do, and I think it’s important to talk about.

I should preface this post by really driving home the fact that I love my daughter and I love being a mother. Being a mom is by far my greatest joy in life. That being said, my daughter is not my entire life. It sounds horrible, right? It feels like women sort of have this expectation to be all encompassed by their love for their children. We’re expected to give up the things that are important to us and sacrifice who we are for our children. We’re expected to be completely selfless and put our children before everything else.

It’s like the second I gave birth I stopped being “Brittany” and started being “Claire’s Mom.” Cashiers in grocery stores will say, “Have a good day Mama!” instead of the standard goodbye. It bothers me, and then I feel bad for being bothered. There’s this weird, almost psychological, part of my brain telling me that I’m selfish for wanting to be anything other than a mom.

I believe very strongly that us moms still need to be ourselves! I’ve made a point to stay as involved as possible in my hobbies because one day, however far in the future that may be, my daughter will be grown up and off to start her own life. If I encompass my entire identity around being a mom, when she’s grown and gone I’ll have nothing left.

I believe it’s so important to maintain relationships with my friends and family because they will be the ones I lean on when I need help. Even while I was pregnant, I talked about wanting most of my life to remain the same, only just with a kid on my arm. I didn’t want to be the mom that couldn’t go to a friend’s house because my daughter had an 8:00 bedtime, I wanted to be the mom that brought a playpen to a friend’s house because my daughter had an 8:00 bedtime.

My husband and I have worked exceptionally hard to expose our daughter to as many different situations as possible in her short life. We take her out in public often, we travel, we leave her with family and go out on date nights. Our daughter is incredibly well adjusted for a 9 month old; she’ll sleep anywhere and through anything. We have put in hard work to set our child up for success. She makes it easy to be able to be and do more.

Society makes me feel like a terrible mother for wanting to be more than just a mother. I feel like I’m supposed to be a superhero – like I’m supposed to keep up with the cooking and cleaning and laundry and child development and all the thousand other things that come with parenting. It’s taken me some time, and I still have some work to do to get over the guilt I feel when I want to go out and not only be just a mother for a few hours, but I’ve finally reached a point where I believe it’s not only okay but encouraged to be my own person.

I am happier and healthier now than I’ve ever been. I firmly believe I am a better mother because I allow myself to have a reprieve from the relentlessness that is being a full time parent. Remembering that I am a person outside of motherhood keeps me from getting burnt out or over-exhausted. And that makes me the best mom I can be.