My Take on Advice – Mommy Blogger

04/24/2019

Hey, all! My name is Kristin Smysniuk and I am over the moon to be part of the Mommy Blogger community. I am a mom to three beautiful boys who work to teach me lessons and keep me humble each and every day. Bennett is 9, Sawyer is 6 and Elliot is 4! I have been married to my husband, Tynan, for 11 years and am a fifth grade teacher with Saskatoon Public Schools.

I wish someone had told me some of the hard truths about parenting as I was preparing for this life changing event over a decade ago.  There are so many moments, even today, that I look back and wish I had been better prepared.

See, we live in a world dominated by social experience.  We rely on Facebook, Instagram or SnapChat for our very own version of Keeping up with the Kardashians.
“Della made her daughter homemade, gluten and dairy free cookies for her birthday from scratch!”; “Elise went on vacation with her husband and best couple friends {kidless!} to the Dominican!” and Lana … well … Lana posted for the third day in a row that her children are gifted and above average in music and dance.

We look at other people’s profiles and, whether we admit it or not, judge our current position. We feel less than, unprepared and like we are somehow the only one failing in the world prized on “having it all together”.

I wish someone had told me the reality of this job.  I wish someone had shared with me that there are going to be far more days that you feel you’re failing than you think you’re getting it right.  I wish someone had told me that you will find yourself in a constant ebb and flow of giving and receiving … a delicate balancing act of trying to do the right thing.

I wish someone had told me that.

Don’t get me wrong, I got plenty of advice – all new moms do.  We are often berated with it and left deflated and overwhelmed.

I got advice about which stroller to buy and which formula to feed my children {don’t get me started on Breast is Best advice from complete strangers}. I knew which freezer meals to prepare in advance of their birth {which I never got around to, by the way} and how to best manage their sleep routines so I didn’t scar them for life.

I got firm explanations about the dangers of co-sleeping and why it is so important to adhere to a strict routine, even if that routine makes you feel like you are house bound and going batty. I got advice about how to best handle car trips, debates about whether or not having a soother meant they would be forever dependent and whether or not to start with rice cereal or fruit.

I got all this advice – and then some, but this wasn’t the advice I needed.  I needed the truth, presented with compassion, understanding and support.  I needed to have a community of mothers – family, friends, and strangers alike – rally around me and prepare me for the reality that laid ahead.

I needed to be told that I was going to cry – a lot at the beginning but even more as they learn, grow and experience pain.  I needed to be told that my relationship with my husband would change but that we would find our way if we communicated openly and honestly.  I needed to be told that watching them grow can be hard – and that sometimes you’ll worry about who you’ll be when they’re gone.  I needed to be told that parenthood is a constant ballet of trying to do the right thing, while knowing innately you’re likely making a mistake or two.  I needed to be told that challenges and mistakes will come, but it doesn’t make me a bad mother.  I needed to be told that who I am as a person still matters when I’m a mother and that it’s okay for me to carve out time to nurture her.

This is what I needed and I think that is what every parent needs – not just before the baby is born, but throughout the years as well.

We get so caught up on relaying the superficial, that we let the opportunity to really dig in and talk about the hard stuff pass us by.  The hard stuff is the real stuff.  The hard stuff is what our society seems to spend much of its time trying to conceal.  The hard stuff is what keeps us awake at night and feeling like we aren’t measuring up …. The hard stuff …

Like the fact that your labor might be traumatizing.  That your physical and emotional wellbeing will be tested and tried.  That it’s okay not to decide about a second child the minute you give birth to your first.  That you may grieve for the life you had before you had children … and wish, just a little, that you had a piece of it back.  That, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never get it all right.  And that being a good parent isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present.

When people ask me for advice, I no longer tell my laundry list of superficial things – onsies, diapers and whether or not to heat your wipes – instead I focus my attention to the parents to be and ensure that they know that they already have everything they need: an unconditional and fierce love for their child.  That’s all you really need in the end.  Love.  So many amazing things will rise from that place … be it discipline or navigating broken hearts … Love will guide you to the right place every single time.

So, here is my unsolicited advice to anyone who wants it:

You don’t need my advice.  You need my love and support.  And you’ve got it – day and night.  The rest, I promise you, will sort itself out.