Am I Weaning Right? (And Other Anxieties About Breastfeeding)

01/27/2018

I had a really challenging breastfeeding journey with my first daughter.  When E was born she came out with some problems after a long labour and ended up being in the NICU for a couple nights. I didn’t really get to see her until about five hours after she was born and I was so exhausted and had lost so much blood that my focus was being present – breastfeeding wasn’t even really a thought that first night.  By that point, the nurses in NICU had already given her a sucky and a bit of formula since I couldn’t be with her.  Then I went back to my room and slept for 12 hours straight.  I didn’t see her again until morning.

We didn’t get the chances we needed to start a strong breastfeeding relationship. Once we did finally give it a go we realized that she struggled to latch and my milk supply wasn’t coming.  I saw a lactation consultant in the hospital and she recommended a nipple shield because it turned out I had flat nipples that I didn’t really realize would be problematic.  The nipple shield didn’t help and we went home, continuing to do skin-to-skin and hoping that breastfeeding would magically start working.  It was horrible.

The first couple weeks at home I pumped every three hours with a huge double electric pump and I supplemented with formula because pumping sucked and I spent the first couple weeks at home really stressed.  Then someone, I honestly don’t remember who, recommended I try a different size of nipple shield (because apparently that’s a thing) and it was like MAGIC.  Milk came. She drank it. She had a full belly.  I cried with joy.  Then came the concerns about using a nipple shield.

Nipple shields can affect supply because the good hormonal things aren’t all happening the way they should with a shield, so lots of lactation consultants (LCs) recommend not to use one solely (the ones I talked to at the time, anyway) because it can slow your milk supply.  Well jeez. Now what was I supposed to do? I spent the next four weeks stressed about the nipple shield and making sure we got rid of it and doing everything I could to get her off of it.  (It wasn’t just that reason I wanted to get rid of it – it was messy and it made nursing in public a huge inconvenience.  It was a pain in the butt).  Anyway, eventually we got rid of it.

At this point, honestly, the only thing that was keeping me going was the cost of formula.  I did not want to pay for it. I had no attachment to breastfeeding – honestly, I hated breastfeeding at this point. It was a huge drain on my body. I was exhausted. She was ALWAYS nursing. I was uncomfortable.  I was just tired of it. But I didn’t want to pay for formula so I continued.

THEN came the “Mom, I don’t want to be under a cover while you nurse me” fight. She ripped it off everytime. I was tired of fighting. It was summer. It was fricken’ hot under there, for both of us.  So I learned the two-shirt technique and went forward with that one.  At first it made me uncomfortable feeling so ‘exposed’ in the world, but I quickly got over it, realizing that my baby needed it and it made life easier.

I went on to nurse E for about a year.  The first few months were so, so hard. And I didn’t have the supports I needed. Not because I couldn’t afford them or because I didn’t want them; I just didn’t know any better. And I think that’s true for a lot of moms.  As time went on, breastfeeding got easier. And my relationship with it emotionally got better. I went on to really enjoy nursing and really feeling that (what felt like early-on, mythical) strong bond and connection that breastfeeding creates. I went on to successfully nurse until E’s first birthday when she weaned herself because I was three-months pregnant and she was never really into it anyway (she was too social to spend too much time on my boob).

Breastfeeding is one of the HARDEST things I have ever done – and the anxieties surrounding it are crazy.  With E, I ran into:

• Will I nurse? I have to. If I don’t I am a horrible mother because breastfeeding is super important.
• Well now I’m nursing and it fricken’ sucks. Do I quit? Am I a bad mom if I quit? It’s so hard – why am I even doing this?
• I’ve already supplemented with formula and she really missed out on colostrum after everything that happened – have I ruined her? Is it bad she got formula from the start? Whose fault is that? Probably mine.
• She just snacks. Is she getting enough? She only had 3 diapers that were soaked with pee today. She must not be getting enough. She isn’t gaining very quickly – is there something wrong with my milk?
• When I pump, I only have a small layer of fat when it separates. My friends have more fat. Does my milk suck? Is it giving her everything she needs?
• Is that person staring while I breastfeed? Is it okay if I breastfeed her here? Should I find a different room? Should I go to the bathroom? Fuck that. I’m not going to the bathroom. But what will I say if someone says something to me?  I don’t know how to handle that. Hopefully no one says anything.
• Now that I’m pregnant again, what will happen to my milk? Should I wean her? Should she start on some formula because my milk won’t be enough? She hates formula? Should I move right to cow’s milk? No. She is too young. Oh! This person says she’s a fine age. I don’t know who to believe so I’ll go with who is most convincing. She can have cow’s milk. She hates cow’s milk. Well now what? I guess we’ll just keep nursing.

And then we did until she was a year. And she quit herself. And I cried the last time I nursed her – I remember it really clearly. I knew it was almost over. She made it clear that end was coming. And the last time I nursed her it was just so beautiful and wonderful and I cried with joy the way I did the first time that milk came out of that nipple shield. And all was right in my breastfeeding world.

Then came baby #2.  I wasn’t as stressed about breastfeeding with her because I felt pretty confident after E.  I was a bit worried about some problems we could potentially have and I was super scared for my birth after everything we went through with E. I was scared the birth could affect feeding.  And then H came. And it went so freaking great. The labour was manageable and reasonably short, the birth was quick, we got skin-to-skin immediately and she did the boobie crawl. It was ah-mazing.  After everything I went through with E it was such a relief for H to just know what to do.

The anxieties I had with H weren’t the same as the ones I had with E, but they were there – ever-present:

• What do I do with my toddler while I nurse my baby? Will she be jealous? How do I give her special time while I’m nursing? Is it okay that I can’t fit in special time?
• She LOVES nursing. Which is great, except nursing takes forever and I just don’t have time to really sit and enjoy this like I did the first time around.
• She nurses so much and it hurts. My nipples hurt. Is something wrong? Yep, something’s wrong.  Who should I call? Should I quit? I want to quit. But then I’ll feel like a horrible mother.

And we went through those things for a long time. I had lots of anxieties about what nursing my second meant for my first.  It was stressful.  And NOW we’re running into WEANING!  And all of the anxieties surrounding that.  I am ready to wean her. In my head.  It is uncomfortable lately; I think she’s gotten lazy with her latch and is chewing a bit.  My nipples hurt.  She wakes up in the night still and I want to sleep again.  She is clawing at me and grabbing at my breasts all the time.  I just feel ready. But then I think about doing it and it makes me so sad in so many ways.  I am sad to take something away from her that I know she loves. I am sad to think that this could be it for me. If we don’t have any more babies, this is the end of babyhood in my world.  And that makes my heart hurt.  Weaning her, to me, is the biggest sign that babyhood is now over.  Am I ready for that?  And how do I even wean? Do I do it cold turkey? Or do I take my time?  Will she hate me?

I know I’m not alone in all of these anxieties. And I am confident that every mother has their own sets of anxieties about it. Whether it came easily for you, it was hard, or it didn’t work at all. Or maybe you chose not to breastfeed and that gives you anxiety. Or maybe you have a completely different journey that has nothing to do with breastfeeding but with formula feeding.  Maybe you don’t have any anxieties and that is perfectly okay too.  Maybe your breastfeeding experience has contributed to postpartum depression.  Maybe your breastfeeding experience has been as magical as you had hoped.  Whatever your experience, this mom thing is hard. And the stigma and anxieties surrounding breastfeeding don’t help. At all. They make it way, way worse.  I tell moms all the time to do what they need to do for themselves to be happy. They need to make the choices that work for them and their families.  But I still carry my own shame and anxieties and worries about the way I am raising my babies and the choices I make surrounding their health. And breastfeeding has been hard.  And now ending will be hard.

When I was talking to my mom about it the other day, she laid down some good experienced mom advice.  In 6 years (or sometime down the road), I won’t look back and wish I had breastfed a few more months.  And babyhood might be over but my babies will go through so many more amazing stages that I will get to witness and enjoy.  And on a side note, babyhood might be nice to be out of.  It’s exhausting.  And it takes and takes and takes. It might be nice to get to the part of parenthood that gives back.

If you are having struggles with breastfeeding or you are having feelings surrounding it or you are just having feelings you can’t handle that aren’t related to breastfeeding, reach out. There are so many amazing resources available here in our community.  If you want to find out more, please contact me – privately on Facebook or via email at jaclynr@mommyconnections.ca and I can connect you with the resources you need.