I’m Obsessed with my Baby…Sleeping – Mommy Blogger

07/02/2018

Author: Selfish Mom

I am completely caught up in my own little world with my baby.  I know what you’re thinking; that newborn smell, soft skin, baby snuggles, maybe a smile…  F. No. My world focuses solely on our ‘Eat. Activity. Sleep. Repeat’ routine.  What are baby snuggles?

My daughter is 3 months old.  I’m not being dramatic when I say nothing else matters to me except her sleeping and feeding schedule.  I’ve become a slave to it.  If you are reading this – you get it.  You have also asked Google, “when will my baby sleep longer than 2 hours?”  My entire existence and sanity revolves around my baby’s sleep.  Not just any kind of sleep though.  It must be the ‘right’ kind of sleep: consolidated, solo, in a crib sleep.  Sleep for my daughter.  But more importantly, sleep for me. I am kind of a selfish mom, after all.

I have countless excuses for my sleep obsession: overwhelming anxiety, too much time on my hands, a lot of advice from everyone else…but the main reason is that my baby is just not happy.  If she is awake, she is miserable – so sleep is my only reprieve!  Thus, I have dedicated my life to becoming an expert on my daughter’s sleep  (read: I finished 3 sleep training books and every online article and blog available, which obviously qualifies me as my own sleep consultant).

I spend my days watching for the cues of tiredness (compiled from all resources) and following the routine (I chose from book 2) perfectly in hopes that my baby will be happy(ier).  I have used an app to track her sleeping and feeding for the past 3 months.  She falls asleep, I have it by my side to press ‘start’.  She wakes up – I press ‘end’.  I watch the clock religiously.  I also have my mom and husband watching the clock this way when I (rarely) leave her with them.  I make them document her sleeping and feeding so I can enter it into my app IMMEDIATELY.  Wherever I am.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with this information, but I’m certain it will eventually put me in control of this no-sleep situation.

When my baby does wake up, my obsession does not end because she had a nap.  The countdown begins.  I have exactly 1.5 hours of awake time before she needs another one!  A quarter of this time will be spent feeding her, the rest I will spend sprinting through the grocery store before the ‘activity’ time of the schedule runs out.  One day, I tried to be easy-going (HA!) by stopping to look at the clothes in Superstore.  I swear activity time was only extended by 15 minutes…but as I watched my daughter’s head bob and her eyes get heavy in the car’s rear view mirror, I panicked.  Book 2 said absolutely NO car naps!! I’m so torn.  No car naps – but she’s finally being quiet.  If she falls asleep now, I’ll have to drive around the city for the 400^th time this month while she naps.  More importantly – if she sleeps in the car, I won’t get ANY me time and I desperately want a shower!! So obviously I ruined her peaceful mood by trying to keep her awake.  I sang loudly, yelled her name, reached behind my seat to lift her hand up and down and touch her face as I held the wheel with my other hand.  She’s crying.  I am anxious.  We’re going to be in an accident for sure with my behaviour – but this car nap could ruin my entire day/week/month/LIFE!!!!

It’s obvious by now – right? That I have absolutely no time for anyone getting in the way of me fulfilling this obsessive schedule?  Apparently, it is not that obvious.  I have spent the last hour doing the side-step to rock my baby to sleep.  She’s heavy.  I am confined to a completely dark room (advice from Book 1) listening to my baby cry for the past 30 minutes while my front door opens and closes with the older kids playing, my husband yelling for them to stop being loud, my dogs barking and their nails clicking on the hardwood.  They are SO lucky I can’t leave this room.  If one more careless person puts a foot down with unnecessary force I am going to LOSE. MY. MIND.  The guy across the street revving his skidoo engine at 4:30 pm is an absolute monster.  And if my online shopping parcel arrives while I’m trying to rock this baby to sleep I will actually shed tears…No one understands!!!

She falls asleep (finally) and now I’m presented with today’s hardest decision: Do I attempt to place her in the crib? (Book 3 said I must or my child will be ruined forever and NEVER sleep in her own bed). Or do I continue to sway until her nap is over?  I sway towards the crib – STOP.  False alarm – it was only a twitch.  But my heart is racing so we’re just going to continue to sway – I can’t risk ruining her nap by putting her down.  Here goes another 30-45 minutes of my life…my arms are tired.

***

She was my first baby, so I didn’t know.  I didn’t know that I would sleep again.  Every experienced mother told me, but I wasn’t in a position to listen.  In those moments I felt so alone. So burdened.  I didn’t know that 16 months later when my toddler would (rarely) fall asleep on me I would do anything for her nap to last longer than 30-45 minutes, so I could take in every breath and twitch.  That I would shed tears because my heart longs for the dark room in the middle of the night, just the two of us.  That the day would come where I would sway her, but she would struggle and it wouldn’t be the same.  I didn’t know there would be a time where I would smile when I looked up in the rear view mirror to see her nodding off during a car ride, and that she would be able to sleep in rooms that aren’t pitch black with only ocean sounds playing on volume level 3 in the background.

What I do know is that you are reading this thinking to yourself, “this woman needs to shut the f*@k up.”.  I’m #sorrynotsorry you’ll have to find out that I’m right.  That all the things you are currently obsessing about finally coming to an end, you will obsess about happening just one more time.  To those moms rushing through Superstore tomorrow during activity time, crying over the doorbell ringing at nap time, or yelling at their husband that they aren’t doing the routine properly: I feel for you.  And I am so sorry you are in the thick of it.  But I really can promise one day (way too soon) it will be different.  You just don’t know – yet.

About the Author: Sarah and her husband live in Regina, Saskatchewan with their two daughters and two pups.  Sarah enjoys running, talking to anyone that will listen, working on (but never finishing) DIY projects, and making people laugh with her sarcastic (but often honest) humour.  Follow her on Instagram: @sjandjade.