Mommy Judgement

11/24/2016

If you have mom friends on Facebook or are part of a Facebook mom group you have probably heard about the latest mom controversy in Saskatoon – there is a clip playing on a local radio station of the host saying she is happy she didn’t wuss out and get a cesarean.There are lots of c-section moms who are upset about this. They are hearing this comment and feel like they need to defend their choice or lack of choice of having a c-section.

I think this points to a larger problem, that fact that us c-section moms (I had a c-section with my first daughter) feel we need to defend our c-section. My c-section was planned due to my daughter being breech, and as soon as I found out I was having a c-section and after it happened I felt I need to defend my choice. I would never say “I had a c-section.” it was always “I had a c-section because she was breech.”  I wanted to make sure people knew I had a reason for the c-section, that I didn’t do it because I thought it was easier or more convenient, I did it because I “had” to. But it doesn’t matter why, I don’t need to tell people why. People have all different reasons for the type of birth they have and it’s not up to us to judge.

Do you ever hear someone say “I had a vaginal birth because…”, not very often, but we often hear “I had a c-section because…” “Baby was breech” “failure to progress” “baby’s heart rate was dropping” – the options are endless. It doesn’t matter the reason why, you (sometimes your doctor) did what you thought was best which is all that matters

I know many moms who have had to have c-sections because them-self, baby or both were in danger during labour, others because they had an emergency c-section with baby 1 so they elect for it with baby 2, others have medical conditions making a c-section safer, or others have been in labour for hours and days and they choose the c-section for their own reasons and then there are some that have a c-section because they want to. It doesn’t matter why a mom chooses to or doesn’t choose to have a c-section, it’s her birth. There are reasons that we don’t know and don’t need to know. What matters is mom and baby are safe – there are so many moms with angel babies who I’m sure would give anything to have their baby with them – whether they delivered vaginally, with or without drugs, via c-section – it doesn’t matter!

Every mom is different. Every birth is different. The same mom could have 20 births and each birth would be different in some way. If there is one thing that is predictable about birth it’s that birth is unpredictable. Each mom goes in with different plans, hope and fears.

For this local radio host this small snip-it was taken from a longer conversation on air back in August where the host had said to her a vaginal birth was scary, a c-section was less scary for her. During her labour she was offered a c-section but decided not to because for her that would have been her “wussing out” because she was scared of the vaginal birth. But she didn’t agree to the c-section, she went ahead with the vaginal birth.

For myself with our first daughter, from the moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted a vaginal birth, for me a c-section was scary, it was my worse case scenario. Each mom is different. Each mom has different fears,different wants.

As moms I think we all feel like we are being judged all the time – from the moment we become pregnant, through birth and then through parenting – there is no end. What we do or do not eat when we are pregnant; do we have a drug free birth, have an epidural, a c-section; once baby arrives do we breastfeed or formula feed, are they meeting their milestones “on track”, do we have them in the best school, do we discipline them “correctly”.

Being a mom is hard and it’s even harder when you feel like your constantly being judged by other moms. We can hear things that may be said in a totally non-judgmental way, but to us it sounds judgmental. We need to stop worrying about other judging us and we need to stop judging each other. No parent is perfect but we all do our best and we all need to support each other in our parenting journey’s, even if we follow a different path.

Let’s start owning our birth stories. I had a c-section.