How To Help Your Child Say Goodbye To Their Pet

08/11/2016

It’s a topic that no one wants to think about, until the unfortunate time arrives. How do you talk to your child about the death of a pet? In our case, I frantically sought the help of Google and local Facebook forums when we learned that our cat Shadow has two inoperable tumors on her liver. I am sharing our story in hopes that helps other families prepare for a very tough decision.

We adopted Shadow 12 years ago after finding her wandering the streets of The Junction. Much to our surprise, it turned out that she was pregnant! The vet referred to it as a “teenage pregnancy” as they suspected she was only about 8 months old! She was a very tough cookie and she was an integral part of our family. She was the most sought after “toy” whenever we had play dates, and a constant companion to my son (whom her referred to as “his sister”)

We noticed that she was rapidly losing weight and after multiple visits to specialists, the diagnosis was inoperable tumors. While it was a very tough time, we were very blessed to be able to have time to prepare my son and to say our goodbyes. There certainly isn’t any “right” or “wrong” ways to handle death. It is a personal decision based on the dynamics of your family. What you will find below are some of the questions we had as a family, and some helpful guidance from one of my favourite Parenting Experts: Sarah Rosensweet.

What Will His Grief Look Like?

My son experienced his grief in what appeared to be an “out of the blue” fashion.  He didn’t seem overly sad when we first told him she was dying, or on the day we put her down.  And then a few days later he was inconsolable. He came into our bed sobbing one morning saying how much he missed her. She always slept next to him, and it was that moment that he fully understood what had happened.

As Sarah says, “Your cat’s death likely didn’t mean too much to him in the abstract (i.e when you told him she was dying) but was very real and absolutely concrete when she wasn’t there sleeping with him in the morning. He suddenly realized the sadness and reality of his loss. You may find he goes back and forth like this. Kids don’t tend to “dwell” on loss or sad things they way we might carry sadness around with us as we grieve. He might forget all about her for a while and then suddenly remember and be very sad. Sometimes parents worry that their child is unfeeling if he can seem to be so fine in the face of loss. This is normal. Children tend to grieve in fits and starts.”

Should I Prepare My Child In Advance Of Our Pets Death?

Like most tough decisions we’ve had to face as a family, we felt it was best to prepare my son in advance. I think parents often forget how resilient children can be. Also, as Sarah mentioned, it likely didn’t feel real to him yet.

What Should We Say Happens To Our Loved Ones Once They Pass On?

If this topic hasn’t been discussed before as a family, Sarah advises telling children “Nobody knows for sure what happens when we die. Some people believe X and some people believe Y and you can chose what you want to believe.” She says that this is good opportunity to discuss how we all do believe different things and that’s okay! It’s important to stress that your pet is no longer suffering. You might also want to talk about what happens to their body after they are in the ground (if that’s something that your child is curious about)

In our case, we chose to cremate Shadow, and I was uncomfortable explaining what that really meant. Instead we explained that the vet turned her into earth, and that we can then spread the earth in all of her favourite spots to help the flowers grow. Thank you to the book “The Tenth Good Thing About Barney” by for that idea.*

I also found this beautiful statue called With Affection by Willow Tree. We told Charlie that Shadow is now an angel watching over him, and this statue was a way to always remember his special friend.

Here are some more general recommendations from Sarah for teaching children about death:

• Be honest
• Be age appropriate (younger children don’t often want as much detail as older children)
• Be open to their questions and curiosity
• Expect ups and downs
• Don’t equate death with sleep (for example avoid saying your cat was “put to sleep”) as this could cause fears of sleep
• Help your child feel their feelings. Encourage them to express their sadness and strong feelings. Encourage them to cry. Our feelings only dissipate when they can move through us. Let your child see that you are sad also.
• Having a funeral can help your child with the grieving process
• Help your child fondly remember his pet. talk about her, make a collage of photos and frame them, draw pictures of your pet, write a poem.

Sarah also suggests reading stories about death. Thanks to the advice of the moms in my local Facebook forum, I had a list of books to seek out at our local library. I’d suggest reading the books first on your own to make sure you are comfortable with the language, and are prepared to answer any questions that arise. Here are 3 books that I found particularly helpful:

The Memory Tree – By Britta Teckentrup

Synopsis: Fox has lived a long and happy life in the forest. One day, he lies down in his favourite clearing, takes a deep breath, and falls asleep for ever.  Before long, Fox’s friends begin to gather in the clearing. One by one, they tell stories of the special moments that they shared with Fox. And, as they share their memories, a tree begins to grow, becoming bigger and stronger, sheltering and protecting all the animals in the forest, just as Fox did when he was alive.

We cuddled in bed as a family to read it and once it was done I braced myself before asking him ”What was the story about?” The very anti-climactic answer was that it was about a fox who fell asleep. Like most 6 year olds, he completely missed the fact that the fox had died. This reinforced my belief that we needed to explain the situation to him in clear, honest language. Simply “falling off to sleep” was too ambiguous, and as Sarah mentioned, can often be scary to children.

Farewell, Grandpa Elephant – By Isabel Abedi

Synopsis: Grandpa Elephant knows that it is his time to go to the elephant graveyard, and so he begins his farewell to his grandchildren. The young elephants are confused, but they soon realize that although there is sadness, the mystery of death holds countless possibilities. Maybe Grandpa Elephant will go to heaven and walk on clouds, or maybe he will come back to earth in a new form. Even he does not know. Though the little elephants will never see Grandpa Elephant again, they learn that he will live on in their thoughts and dreams. 

I like this book because it takes about the many different beliefs that people have about death. It discusses reincarnation, Christianity, and even atheism. If there is a belief that your family is steadfast about, I don’t recommend this book as it can bring up more questions than answers. There are also references to Heaven and Hell that you might not be comfortable with. It was for this reason that we didn’t end up reading it to my son. However, I think it’s a great discussion piece for older children.

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney – By Judith Viorst

Synopsis: “My cat Barney died this Friday. I was very sad. My mother said we could have a funeral for him, and I should think of ten good things about Barney so I could tell them…”  But the small boy who loved Barney can only think of nine. Later, while talking with his father, he discovers the tenth — and begins to understand.

This was my favourite book because it’s specifically about a child who loses a pet. After reading this book, we also prepared a list of 10 things we loved about Shadow. It’s a wonderful way to pay tribute to your beloved pet.

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